I had a wank over an old girlfriend last night,
I know it is wrong but she is a heavy sleeper and I still have front door key.

Newly weds turn up at hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks do you have reservations?
Bride replies Im a bit worried about taking it up the arse.

A boy walks into a hooker hotel with a dog as flat as paper and goes up to the pimp.
He says"I wanna hooker with AIDS".
The pimp is curious and asks why so the boy replys,
"well I'm gonna give the hooker to my brother ,whose gonna give the AIDS to my sister,whose gonna give 'em to my dad whose gonna give 'em to the secratary, whose gonna give 'em to the boss,whose gonna give 'em to my mom, whose gonna give 'em to the mail mam, and he's the bastard who killed my dog!"

Q.What do you call a fat chick whith a yeast infection?
A: A whopper with cheese.

A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery. One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her pussy, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's pussy and again she quivered.
Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.
So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."

Q: What's the first thing a girl from Tennessee says after she loses her virginity?
A: Get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television.
All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up.
She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."
To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night.
The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
"Sharon," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."
"I didn't mum," the daughter replied.
"I was giving a blowjob to a chinese guy and he threw up on me."

Did you hear about the man who raped a deaf and dumb girl,and then broke her fingers so she could'nt tell her mum.

Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a shit?
A. You dont have to cuddle a shit after you've had it.

A woman went to the doctor's to get the result of her tests.
The doctor said I've got some bad news your body is riddled with cancer and you hav'nt got long to live".
"When you say not long what do you mean weeks?"
"No sorry hours"
The devestated woman went home and told her husband"I've got terminal cancer and I have only hours to live,I suggest we go to bed and spend the night making mad passionate love"
"You selfish bitch"said the husband,
"I'ts o.k. for you, you dont have to get up in the morning"

A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."

A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks:
"Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?"
"Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter."
"Your daughter? Why she's only 12...you don't mean she's sexually active?"
"Nah...she just lays there like her mother."

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.
The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied,
"Mum's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"