An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops in the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
Q. What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and the New York Rangers?
A. The Rangers shower after three periods!!!
Q. What's the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of
babies?
A. You can't unload the sand with a pitchfork.
Two flies on a piece of shit
One farts
At this the other shouts...
Oi ! Aint you got no manners?
....Not while I'm eating.
Q. what the worst thing about fucking a bald pussy.
A. putting the nappy back on
Q. what breaks during sex
A. A 3 years olds pelvis.
My mates wife's unluky, 2 days after she lost her baby she won a pram in a raffle.
Q: Whats worse than finding 10 dead babies in a bin liner?
A: Finding 1 dead baby in 10 bin liners!
An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary in the local paper
He went to see the editor and was told it would be £1.00 a word
after turning out the contents of his pocket he found he only had £3.00 so he wrote
"Ethel Jones Dead"
The editor seeing this felt so sorry for him he said for £3.00 he could have seven words, so he wrote
"Ethel Jones Dead"
"Ford Fiesta for Sale"
Q: What's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
A: A baby chewing on an extention cord.
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.
The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting.
Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
Q: How do you get a dead baby across the street?
A: Staple it to a chicken.
A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."
The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
Q: Whats small, goes around in circles and taps on the window ?
A: Baby in a microwave
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem.
I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck.
He's still wriggling - what should I do?
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it
stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
Q: Whats small, brown, and spits ?
A: Baby in a frying pan
Three Chineese men working on a building site the foreman calls them over and tells them if they can carry an extra pallet of bricks there will be an extra fifty quid in there wages. The first man adds an extra pallet of bricks and the foreman is well pleased, the second man also lifts an extra pallet and the foreman is even more pleased the third one tries with all his might but he just cant lift an extra pallet.The foreman says
"YOU ARE THE WEAKEST CHINK GOODBYE!"
A woman in hospital is having a baby.
After the baby is born, the doctor picks it up, and bashes its head against the delivery table.
Then he throws the baby on the floor and steps on it.
The mother is horrified, "What the hell are you dong to my baby?"
"April fool," says the doctor, "It was still born."
Q. Whats pink and stiff in the morning?
A. Cot death.
