Heather - Mills - McCartney
It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg
Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney.
Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has
been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no
idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"
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"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"
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It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing
a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and
subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it
is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
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Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity May
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".
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Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless"
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Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was
a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
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A poem by Sir Paul McCartney-
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
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Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A The McCartneys
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These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she
has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill
her shoe.
Whats sweet and comes in a box for Easter
The Queen mum
The queen mum goes up to heaven and bumps into Princess Di and stops to
chat.
During the conversation she says to Di that she would like a halo as big as
Di's.
Diana replies "piss off you bitch ... this isn't a halo
its a fucking
steering wheel !!!"
Princess Margaret will be pleased
She's got her mum over for Easter
What takes three strokes before it gets stiff?
Princess Margaret
Dudley Moore
First we had Arthur
Then came Atthur2 "Arthur on the rocks"
Now their bringing out Arthur in the box"
The only thing thats stopping an Arthur reunion is that Lisa Minelli is still alive
The English cricket team are off to Australia for the funeral of Ben Hollioake
Their hoping to bring home the ashes.
Michael Barrymore
Q. Why does`nt Michael Barrymore use ash trays?
A. Because he likes to put his fags out in the swimming pool
The Brighton Bomb.
Q. Who's the fastest reader in the house of Commons?
A. Norman Tebbit,He did three storeys in under a minute.
Q. Whats pink and fluffy and dont move?
A. Mrs. Tebbit's slippers.
Louise Woodwood
Louise has taken over as manager of the Spice Girls.
The first thing she did was drop baby Spice
Now she's got a job in Mc Donalds,
First fifty kids get free shakes.
Mother Theresa
Elton John's just released a tribute single
It's called sandals in the bin
A bloke walked into a bar and ordered a pint of Whitbread he placed it on a table and walked into the gents. A young lady hoisted her skirt and blew off in the glass. When he came out the barman explained what had happened. He aproached the girl and said
"oy you fart in my Whitbread"
She said "no I'm Tessa Sanderson"
Freddie Mercury.
Q. Whats Freddie Mercury and Ayrton Senna got in common?
A. They both died with blood on their helmets.
Did you know that catching aids is due to planetary influence.
You've got a better chance of catching it when Mercury enters uranus
John McCarthy
John arrives home after five years captivity into the loving arms of his girlfriend Jill Morrell,she wisks him off to the bedroom and gives him a blowjob but gets no responce she tries a wank but still nothing"I cant understsnd it John Its having no effect have you got any suggestions"
"you havent got a picture of Terry Waite Have you?"
Q.What's rusty and hangs outside a church.
A.Terry Waite's bike
Paula Yates
The police searching paula's flat have found Amphetamines angel dust and ecstasy, they are still searching for the forth child
Percy Thrower
Did you know percy was gay, apparently they found some peat up his arse.
Peter Mandelson
Peter Mandelson came home covered in blood the other day
Apparently some bum split on him!
Peter went to the doctor's with some splinters up his arse
They say he's had half the cabinet up there!
Peter Sutcliff
The Yorkshire Ripper walked into a bar with a young lady and ordered a pint of lager.
"Can I have a Cinzano" said the girl
"No you'll have a screwdriver like the rest of them".
Q. Who killed John Wayne?
A. Burt Lungcancer
Q. What wood dont float?
A. Natalie Wood
Hungerford
Q. What was the last thing Michael Ryan said to his mum?
A. Just shooting up the shops.
To which she replied "Over my dead body"
Michael Jackson
Q: How many Michael Jackson's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
Q: What did the man lying on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!!
Michael Jackson and his new wife were sitting in a hospital room after she had just given birth to their brand new baby boy. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "How long should we wait to have sex?" The doctor answers, "Wait until he's at least 14."
Did you hear about Michael Jackson and the Boyscouts?
he's up to two packs a day!
Recently Michael opened an amusement park
you have to be at least 4 feet tall to ride Michael!
Q. Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Israel?
A. Israel pulled out of Jordan.
Q.What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A.One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Q. Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Bobby Moore?
A. Bobby Moore wont be blowing bubbles any more
Q. Whats brown and found in a baby's nappy?
A. Michael Jacksons' hand
Q. What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A. The under Eights
Rod Hull
Did you go to Rod Hull's funeral
Apparently the reception was crap.
Emu says he'll never need Viagra again
He says he's never seen his Rod so hard.
Jill Dando
Whats the difference between Jill Dando and a pint of Guinness?
A pint of Guinness still looks good after its head is blown off.
Did you know Jill Dando had blue eyes?
One blew left and one blew right
Tommy Cooper
Q. How did Tommy Cooper die?
A. Just like that.
Fatima Whitbread went to the doctor's.
"Doctor I've got a problem with my hair"
"You mean the superficial hair under your arms"
No I'ts the hair around my bollocks!
Q.How can you pick out Dolly Parton's kids on the play ground?
A.They're the ones with the stretch marks around their lips!
