Doctors now think Stephen Gately died from a strain of bird flu.
His boyfriend said he did not like birds,
but was fond of a cockatoo !!

Q. What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel?
A. Stephen Gately's suitcase

Christmas in heaven should be good this year.
Patrick Swayze's doing the dancing.
Farrah Fawcett's the angel.
Stephen Gately is singing in the choir.
Keith Floyd's doing the dinner.
And Michael Jackson's playing with the kids.

Michael Jackson's girlfriend is said to be distraught.
She was quoted as saying: "first my parents leave me in Portugal and now this."

Did you hear Michael Jackson died? With all that plastic surgery
they are not sure whether to have a funeral or a Tupperware party!

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson?
Fergie will still be playing Giggs in August.

When Michael Jackson is cremated they are going to make him into carrier bags.
So he will still be white, plastic and a danger to small children.

For Sale:
Single white glove. Slightly soiled index finger.

Gary Glitter has won the auction for Michael Jackson's PC.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Ricky Hatton?
None! Both went down after getting a lethal jab.

This recession is really hitting everyone hard.
Even the Jackson Five have had to lay one member off.

You know that Michael really is dead, when your 5-year-old son wakes you up at night
claiming that he just got 'touched by an angel'.

What a coincidence, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dying on the same day.
One played with Majors and the other played with Minors.

What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and Margaret Thatcher?
Had they both died 25 years ago, there would have been a generation of happier miners.

Jockeys all over the world will be wearing black armbands today,
in tribute to the legend who rode more three-year-olds than anyone else.

Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic....It has been decided that instead of him being cremated
he will be melted down and made into lego blocks......So the younger generation can play with him for a change...!!!!!

Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Michael Jackson.
Jacko has denied the allegations as he claims he was in Brooklyn at the time.

Excerpt from a week of the diary of Anne Frank:
June 14th 1943: Hid
June 15th 1943: Hid
June 16th 1943: Hid
June 17th 1943: Hid
June 18th 1943: Hid
June 19th 1943: Hid
June 20th 1943: Hid
.
.
.
August 1st 1944: Bugger!

Robbie Williams, Kylie Minogue and Elton John are walking down the road when Kylie gets her head stuck in the bars of a fence,
Robbie pulls her trousers and underwear down and shags her senseless then he turns to Elton and says "your turn"
to which elton cries in reply "my head doesn't fit through the bars"

Do you hear the latest about "Gary Glitter"
They found class A drugs in the kitchen
and class B drugs in the sitting room
and class 4c in his bedroom

* An Austrian woman is like a good wine?Best left to mature in a cellar.
* Austrian authorities have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving as a father as of late.
In fact, police have said that he has "Been coming into his own".

* The Austrians have taken their fondness for the Sound of Music too far.
They even have their own Von Trapped family.

* An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzl's daughter Alice.
"Alice" he replied "Who the f**k is Alice? You mean for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice?!"

* Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them in the dark as long as possible.

* Austrian authorities are worried by the rapid drop in stag nights after
it was learnt they actually do lock up their daughters.

West Yorkshire police have been questioning Shannon matthews mum.
Not about why shannon disappeared but how she got five different men to shag her

I haven't been able to sleep since the abduction of Shannon Matthews.
She kept banging about beneath my bed.

Congratulations to Shannon Matthews....
West Yorkshires Hide 'n' Seek Champion 2008 !!

Latest news..........
Shannon Mattews has been disqualified from West Yorkshires Hide 'n' Seek Champion 2008
As she had help from her father!
The title will now go to madeline mccann

To cash in on her fame Elizabeth Fritzel has just put her diary on ebay
Its a bit boring below is a transcript

mondy- stayed in
tuesday- stayed in
wednesday- stayed in
thursday- stayed in
friday- stayed in
saturday- stayed in
sunday- stayed in
But at least I got a shag

Heather - Mills - McCartney

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney.

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"

-------------

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

-------------

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

-------------

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity May have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

-------------

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

-------------

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.

-------------

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney-

I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

-------------

Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A The McCartneys

-------------

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.

Whats sweet and comes in a box for Easter
The Queen mum

The queen mum goes up to heaven and bumps into Princess Di and stops to chat.
During the conversation she says to Di that she would like a halo as big as Di's.
Diana replies "piss off you bitch ... this isn't a halo
its a fucking steering wheel !!!"

Princess Margaret will be pleased
She's got her mum over for Easter

What takes three strokes before it gets stiff?
Princess Margaret

Dudley Moore

First we had Arthur
Then came Atthur2 "Arthur on the rocks"
Now their bringing out Arthur in the box"

The only thing thats stopping an Arthur reunion is that Lisa Minelli is still alive

The English cricket team are off to Australia for the funeral of Ben Hollioake
Their hoping to bring home the ashes.

Michael Barrymore
Q. Why does`nt Michael Barrymore use ash trays?
A. Because he likes to put his fags out in the swimming pool

The Brighton Bomb.
Q. Who's the fastest reader in the house of Commons?
A. Norman Tebbit,He did three storeys in under a minute.

Q. Whats pink and fluffy and dont move?
A. Mrs. Tebbit's slippers.

Louise Woodwood
Louise has taken over as manager of the Spice Girls.
The first thing she did was drop baby Spice

Now she's got a job in Mc Donalds,
First fifty kids get free shakes.

Mother Theresa
Elton John's just released a tribute single
It's called sandals in the bin

A bloke walked into a bar and ordered a pint of Whitbread he placed it on a table and walked into the gents. A young lady hoisted her skirt and blew off in the glass. When he came out the barman explained what had happened. He aproached the girl and said
"oy you fart in my Whitbread"
She said "no I'm Tessa Sanderson"


Freddie Mercury.
Q. Whats Freddie Mercury and Ayrton Senna got in common?
A. They both died with blood on their helmets.

Did you know that catching aids is due to planetary influence.
You've got a better chance of catching it when Mercury enters uranus

John McCarthy
John arrives home after five years captivity into the loving arms of his girlfriend Jill Morrell,she wisks him off to the bedroom and gives him a blowjob but gets no responce she tries a wank but still nothing"I cant understsnd it John Its having no effect have you got any suggestions"
"you havent got a picture of Terry Waite Have you?"

Q.What's rusty and hangs outside a church.
A.Terry Waite's bike

Paula Yates
The police searching paula's flat have found Amphetamines angel dust and ecstasy, they are still searching for the forth child

Percy Thrower
Did you know percy was gay, apparently they found some peat up his arse.

Peter Mandelson
Peter Mandelson came home covered in blood the other day
Apparently some bum split on him!

Peter went to the doctor's with some splinters up his arse
They say he's had half the cabinet up there!

Peter Sutcliff
The Yorkshire Ripper walked into a bar with a young lady and ordered a pint of lager.
"Can I have a Cinzano" said the girl
"No you'll have a screwdriver like the rest of them".

Q. Who killed John Wayne?
A. Burt Lungcancer

Q. What wood dont float?
A. Natalie Wood

Hungerford
Q. What was the last thing Michael Ryan said to his mum?
A. Just shooting up the shops.

To which she replied "Over my dead body"

Michael Jackson

Q: How many Michael Jackson's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!

Q: What did the man lying on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!!

Michael Jackson and his new wife were sitting in a hospital room after she had just given birth to their brand new baby boy. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "How long should we wait to have sex?" The doctor answers, "Wait until he's at least 14."

Did you hear about Michael Jackson and the Boyscouts?
he's up to two packs a day!

Recently Michael opened an amusement park
you have to be at least 4 feet tall to ride Michael!

Q. Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Israel?
A. Israel pulled out of Jordan.

Q.What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A.One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q. Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Bobby Moore?
A. Bobby Moore wont be blowing bubbles any more

Q. Whats brown and found in a baby's nappy?
A. Michael Jacksons' hand

Q. What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A. The under Eights

Rod Hull
Did you go to Rod Hull's funeral
Apparently the reception was crap.

Emu says he'll never need Viagra again
He says he's never seen his Rod so hard.

Jill Dando
Whats the difference between Jill Dando and a pint of Guinness?
A pint of Guinness still looks good after its head is blown off.

Did you know Jill Dando had blue eyes?
One blew left and one blew right

Tommy Cooper
Q. How did Tommy Cooper die?
A. Just like that.

Fatima Whitbread went to the doctor's.
"Doctor I've got a problem with my hair"
"You mean the superficial hair under your arms"
No I'ts the hair around my bollocks!

Q.How can you pick out Dolly Parton's kids on the play ground?
A.They're the ones with the stretch marks around their lips!