Q.Whats blue and fucks grandmothers?
A. Hyperthermia
Q. What's the definition of self-destruction?
A. An epeleptic leper.
Q: What did the blind, deaf and dumb boy get for Christmas?
A: Cancer
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an
examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients
pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for
five more years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the
first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head-first into the pool and breaks
both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't
you jump?" asked the doctor.
Well Doc," said number three, "I can't swim!"
It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten.
The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I scored big time!
I got Power Rangers stuff, a Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie - Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?"
"Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid.
"Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid.
The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of Lukemia."
Mongols
Two mongs were cooking dinner.The husband says to the wife,
Where's the meat?"
"In the fridge"
"wheres the potatoes"
"in the cupboard"
"wheres the cabbages"
"still at school"
doctor: I have good news for you, and bad news for you.
patient: whats the bad news?
doctor: we cut off the wrong leg!
patient: whats the good news then!?
doctor: your bad leg is getting better.
Altzheimers
Two elderly genlemen in hospital with altzheimers.
Patient 1: Im off out tomorrow I'm cured
Patient2: I've realy missed ice cream in here can you get me one.
Patient1: Of course
Patient2: Can you put some strawberry sauce on it
Patient1: Of course
Patient2: Can you put some chocolate flakes in it
Patient1: Of course
Patient2: You wont forget now will you?
Patient1: Of course not I'm cured
He comes in the next day with a steak and kidney pie
Patient2: Oy you twat you forgot my chips
doctor: I have some good news for you, and some bad news for you.
patient: whats the bad news?
doctor: you're H.I.V positive.
patient: whats the good news?
doctor: you also have altzheimers, and by tomorrow you would have forgotten
about it.
It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things,
so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they
come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.
Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that
memory course you liked so much?"
Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name
of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?
Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"
Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house)
Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
An elderly couple go to the doctors for the results of the old womans tests
The doctor calls the old man outside and says "There has been a mix up with another patients results"
She either has Alzheimer's Disease or aids
What are you going to do says the husband
We age going to drop the old woman off on the edge of town
And if she finds her way home
DONT SHAG HER!
A woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains.
Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week .
The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?'
to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'.
So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?'
and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.
Q. Whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
A. The wheelchair.
Q. What do you call six wheelchairs on top of each other?
A. A vegetable rack.
Q. What do you do when you see an epileptic having a bath?
A. Chuck in all your washing
Two little boys went to knock for Mark.
"Hello is mark coming out to play war"
"What do you mean you know mark has'nt got any arms and legs"
"I know we want to use him as a sandbag"
A man woke up in hospital after an operation and said
"Doctor I cant feel my legs"
The Doctor replied
"Thats right we had to amputate both your arms"
A man was walking on the beach when he saw a woman with no arms and no legs crying. He asked, "Whats wrong?"
The lady says, "I have no arms, I have no legs, and I've never been fucked!"
So the man picks up the woman, gets in a boat with her, takes it out to the middle of the ocean and throws her overboard.
"There," he says, "Now you're well fucked!"
